yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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