I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
