so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
