all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
