My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
PANTIES FOUND
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize