Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
