I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
