Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
