i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
