I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
