I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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