The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
