Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
