Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
