Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
