I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
