A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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