I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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