Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
