matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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