mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
