I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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