Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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