I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
