So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
