Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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