The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
