just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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