GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
