Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
