I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
