I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
