at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Ketchup is God's man juice
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
