she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
