Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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