I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
