Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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