I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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