sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
