I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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