Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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