The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
