my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
