This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
did i just pee glitter
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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