I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
