he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
