Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
