Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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