Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
