Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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