apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
