guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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