What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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