Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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