You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
