I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize