the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
