I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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